Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
