The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
