I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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