got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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