I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
