you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
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He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
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Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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