if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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