went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
