Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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