I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
