i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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