my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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