Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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