I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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