If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
