Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I did not marry a roomba.
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