somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
