I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
