just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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