Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
