i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
he just fucked me for my cheese..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
