Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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