I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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