dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
