im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Slut skills are useful in every country.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
