she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
