i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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