I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize