She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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