he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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