last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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