Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
