Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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