i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
