I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Randomize
