my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
meet me or not, i'm out of control
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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