Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
