some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There r osticjed everywhere
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
