now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
