The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
