i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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