I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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