Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
