When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
