Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
