We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
