Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
