I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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