My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
