I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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