Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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