Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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