Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
